I totally agree. I have been having some issues that are very similar to this article and the reasons and answers are all here for me so i decided to share this topic.
From and credited too: Yahoo.com or https://www.yahoo.com/health/marriage-bootcamp-the-number-one-relationship-118963182710.html
From and credited too: Yahoo.com or https://www.yahoo.com/health/marriage-bootcamp-the-number-one-relationship-118963182710.html
What couples fight about behind closed doors—and how to address it. (Photo: Kate Powers)
Studies
have shown that sex and money are two of the leading causes for
divorce, but statistics don’t always tell the whole story. We reached
out to a handful of top relationship therapists to find out what the #1
problem they come across in couples. And believe it or not, neither sex
nor money came up once.
Of
course, relationships are complex and complicated, and no two marriages
are the same. But each expert immediately rattled off a super
common—and often extremely reparable—issue they see arise again and
again and again.
Whether
you’re a year into matrimonial bliss or celebrating a decade of
wedlock, you’ll benefit big-time from this romance wisdom. In fact, you
don’t even have to be hitched to learn a thing or two about love.
You’re Bad at Communicating
“The
number one problem—though I prefer the word challenge—in marriage is
indeed effective communication,” said psychotherapist Laura Young. “This
includes how to argue with your spouse and not threaten to leave the
relationship during a fight, as well as how to recognize—perhaps
remember—that the annoying behaviors you feel are now intolerable have
probably always been there. Perhaps you even felt they were adorable at
one point.”
Although
communicating better is the kind of thing you can learn, knowing how to
do it in a more effective way is even easier if it’s done from the
start of the relationship. “In the past few months, I’ve seen a
significant increase in folks seeking ‘pre-marital’ therapy, which is so
encouraging,” said Young. “At the beginning, both partners are more
willing to discuss their differences and openly explore how they can
increase their awareness as well as acceptance that they balance each
other out. Married couples who have gotten hardwired in their dance of
hurtfulness can, sadly, become so myopic that they would rather be right
than happy.”
You’re Not Having Enough Fun Together
When
you’ve been with someone for so long, the definition of date night
inevitably loses its meaning. After all, the two of you Seamless and
Netflix and pound away on your laptops side-by-side almost every night.
Surely that counts? Spoiler: Sorry, it doesn’t.
“Couples
spend too much time on the ‘business’ of being a married couple and not
enough time staying connected, having fun together,” said therapist
Lauren Urban-Colacicco. “In order for a relationship to continue to be
successful, it’s necessary to foster the romantic and emotional
connection between partners. Dates are extremely important, as trite as
it sounds.”
You’re Too Busy
“Couples
time-starve their relationships,” said psychotherapist and marriage
counselor Jean Fitzpatrick. “After the initial intense experience of
being in love, they don’t recognize that their marriage needs nurturing.
They let it run on autopilot and eventually start bickering a lot, or
get bored with each other, or intimacy disappears, or someone has an
affair.”
It’s
crucial to make time for your marriage just like you make time for,
say, exercise. Think of it as an investment for your health—because
honestly, it is. “There’s nothing intrinsically bad about work or
children or socializing or devices, but couples need to put their
relationship on their calendar. They need daily rituals of connection
and regular, meaningful and fun couple times.”
You’re Insensitive—Or Too Sensitive
Feelings
get hurt. It happens! But if it’s not handled well, the resentment and
anger manifests, and suddenly, you realize you’ve been
silent-treatmenting each other for three days.
“What
comes up a lot is someone misunderstanding the other person’s motive,”
said marriage and sex therapist Dr. Jane Greer. “One person will say
something or do something that in no way is intended to be antagonistic
or hostile, and yet, whatever’s said or done is interpreted as
thoughtless or hurtful. When the other person reacts in anger, the
person who said or did it is immediately confounded and bewildered, and
launches into an explanation—which only digs them into a deeper hole.”
Whether
or not you feel like you did anything wrong, Greer says it’s important
to express empathy for your partner’s bruised feelings. “If your partner
is upset by something, your default reply has to be, ‘I’m sorry that’s
how you feel,‘” says Greer. “If they feel like they didn’t do anything
wrong, 99 out of 100 people feel no reason to apologize.” And as for the
wounded, it’s important to pause for a breather before taking
everything personally. Says Greer: “I teach people to say, ‘Look I’m
really upset by what you said or did. Whether you meant it to be this
way or not, here’s how I experienced it.'”
You’re Codependent
Turns
out there’s a lot of truth to the whole
loving-yourself-before-you-love-someone-else idea. Rushing into a
relationship before you have a good handle on who you are—or who you
want to be—never ends well.
“Some
people are in relationships to help fill a void, or fix what they’re
lacking or what they feel insecure about,” said Dr. Daniel Selling,
psychologist and director of Williamsburg Therapy Group. “A lot of it
comes down to accepting who our partners are, rather than trying to bend
them to who we want them to be. A lot of people enter into
relationships because there’s attraction, there’s chemistry, there’s a
lot that they like—but there’s also a lot of fantasy that they will
become who they want them to be. Couples that really thrive accept the
good and the bad of each other.”
If
you feel like these therapists are looking straight inside your
relationship (creepy, right?), start the conversation with your partner.
Identifying and agreeing on the issues is the first step to building
that bulletproof marriage.
By Casey Lewis
P.S. Yes it's me and my ugly short haired self...My hair is long now and i will never cut it that short again Lol.
